Yesterday, I wrote about the Journey of 1000 miles.
How fitting that Wednesday's wish is What Step Do You Wish to Take?
Well, it is the step in the front. You know, one foot in front of the other. That slow moving step when you pick your foot up and firmly place it in front of the other foot. That is the step that keeps me on the journey. Not the back step but the FRONT one!
As a small girl, I learned to detach. Detach myself from my own body. I have watched my life from the outside. I put all my efforts into my mind and my spirit thinking that would "fix" it. I put my heart into helping others to avoid my body. Always wishing someone would want to do the same in return. You know, Treat others as you wish to be treated. That is what I did - always wishing deep inside someone would care about me and treat me the same way. Not push me, Not yell at me, Not belittle me, Not order me - I do that well enough on my own.
I needed someone who will nurture me, support me, love me just as I am, just as I did with them. That theory hasn't worked for me. I just kept pushing myself harder and harder to get someone to pay attention but lost sight of the real answer. I have to participate in my life. I have to treat me as I have always wanted to be treated. I have to learn to start with me first. .
Integrating back into ME, is very scary and leaves me in a vulnerable position. It feels so uncomfortable but with daily practice it will become just like a babe learning to walk. Small, itty, bitty steps. I have to treat myself as I treated my children when they took all their firsts. I let them learn at their own pace. I let them learn to trust their instincts instead of just doing it or giving up because they are afraid. Follow not only their heart but their gut feeling too.
So I so wish to take that front step each and every time. Don't look back, just slow speed ahead..
The Wizard has given me my new task. A journey of a thousand miles. Learning from the very beginning. It takes a 1000 hours for an infant to learn to walk. From the moment, they first start to crawl to their first shaky steps. They are slowly building the muscles and strength needed to take those first steps.
That is how I want to approach my life right now. After 40 years of an unhealthy physical lifestyle, I am starting at the basics. My Wizard of Oz approach to life has been a means to integrate back into my body. Certain things in life can make us disconnect and stay disconnected. The hardest part of taking care of myself was being disconnected from myself physically. It was easier to connect and take care of others. It was easier to stay in my thoughts which was my means of escape. .
Well, things are different now. I am being conscious of my choices concerning my body. I am listening within instead of to "experts". I didn't have many choices growing up and it caused me to live in fear of doing things wrong or being made fun of. People always telling what to do, when my inner voice screamed NO NO NO. No one listened, really listened or paid attention to what I thought -- not even me. Others pushing me, challenging me, berating me for doing it wrong or not fast enough. Not doing it the way they thought it should be done so I was just wrong or dumb or lazy.
So I am paying attention now...slowly learning to focus, focus on me. Following what I just seem to "know" but often have not followed. My tools for building the strength:
Weight Watchers for learning the discipline to pay attention each time I put food in my thoughts and asking the hard question, WHY?
My Wii Fitness for making exercise and coming back into my body interesting. It brings the very basics of posture and balance and focus into my daily routine. It is building the muscles and strength to make the being present in my body something I WANT to do.
My blogs for feeling a sense of belonging.
That is the current journey........What are you doing?
That is the Wizard's new message as I return to Oz!
This weekend, I picked up the book by the same name written by Lynn Grabhorn. As most often occurs, it came as a reinforcement for my current journey.
Many of us search for the "answers" by using the term, If this happens or when this happens, then I will be happy. For example - If I practice writing affirmations or practice visualization, then things will change. That is only part of the equation. We often think in reverse.Focus on the happiness, then things will change. Focus on not just what you want, how you think it will make a change, but focus on the FEELING you are searching for.
So say YES! Yes, to the affirmation. Yes, to the visualization, Yes, to the wishes and dreams. THEN say YES! to the positive feeling you are wanting.
As the author sasks in the book: Have you ever been so wrapped up in the day-to-day life that you stop paying attention to how you're feeling? The key - Focus inward, on what it would feel like to have it all go right!
Tell me the feeling you are wanting and searching for!
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Jamie asks, What do you wish to embrace?
My first thought is my life, my journey.
But that is just rhetoric.
The truth be told, I wish to embrace the little girl in the mirror. Marilyn Monroe (The ultimate Big Girl Bombshell) said, "No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't." How many little girls were never told they were pretty, or smart, or special?
How many little girls grow up feeling fat, ugly, scared, lonely, controlled, abused, frightened, or abandoned? How many are just told to act this way, look that way, do this, don't do that? How often are they encouraged to be who they are inside? Inside the mirror.
Embracing the little girl in the mirror is not just me. My wish to embrace the little girl in the mirror is for ALL little girls. Give them permission to be who they see in the mirror before all the grown-ups and peers put their judgements, opinons, and fears upon them. Give them the praise they deserve to help them grow up healthy! Wise! Confident! Beautiful! and LOVED!
Now that Dorothy and the Wicked Witch have made peace with each other, a new story emerges.They move hand in hand, as they venture outside the tower. It's amazingly different. The dark forest is no longer dark. The colors are warm. The subtle yellows, orange and red of fall. The large trees no longer have their apples. The trees are resting and the ground is covered with fresh fallen leaves.
The colors of autumn. are exciting for me this year. I am taking a quick break before starting my marathon writing day for NaNoWri Mo. My word count is far, far behind but I am determined. The story screams loudly in my head. If nothing else, I must continue this for ME! I love analagies and writing prompts. It gets my writing juices flowing. Today's blogs that prompted me to get started are Seth Godin's blog and the Fragrant Muse. Two very different genre's but they work for me, all the same.
The Fragrant Muse had a writing prompt - Can you describe your life in six words? Yes, my six words are:
I have arrived at the tower, but it looks quite different today. There are light beams billowing out of the cracks of the dark stone on the tower. Slowly, very slowly, I climb the winding staircase to the room at the top of the tower. Oh, the enormous crystal ball sits in the middle of the room. Inside, I see the little girl, Julie Kay, cowering in the corner of the tower. The wicked witch is standing over her cackling, "I'll get you my pretty!
Yes, I will get you my pretty." That has been my nightmare for over thirty years.
Jamie's wish prompt today is "What do you wish to dare?" I have waited many, many years to declare this and today is the day! I wish to dare MY LIFE! I choose to accept my power with all my being and change the outcome of the story.
Our wonderful Ms. Holly gave a silent sunday sermon which used the Marianned Williamson quote that says,"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure" This is the fear I have hidden behind way too long. It's time to step out of the tower and reclaim my power. So here is my reply to the Wicked Witch today.
With a wave of my own magic wand, I am changing the story. Julie Kay stands and approaches the Wicked Witch, softly, loving, assertively declaring. "Not this time". She raises her hand and gently touches the bright green face of the witch. The Wicked Witch looks dumbfounded and a tear slowly glides down her face. The green melts from her tear. Julie Kay lovingly takes the witch's hand and tells her, "I understand". Anger and resentment is an evil force. It is a false power to make us move, however, it is in directions we oft should not go. I wish for you to be my friend. You are beautiful under all that green. I can see it. I can feel it. You too have been trapped in this tower for way too long. Come join me on the journey.as my friend, not my enemy
So this is where the story now starts. And as in all good movies, its time for a commercial break. As I have mentioned before, I launched Big Girl Bombshell recently. It is intended to bring out the lovely beautiful women we have trapped inside under the labels and judgements. I am having a giveaway, please enter to win a fabulous book, The Skye in June. And today, there is a guest post by June Ahern, the author of the book, that uses exerpts to address many of these same issues.
It's been a bit of a long journey this time to the Witch's Tower. The monkies have multiplied, half in soldier suits and half with doubled wing spans. But the good thing, is it is different this time. It's been a busy month and its only a third over.
I am participating, slowly, in NaNoWriMo. My word count is way behind but I am slowly writing the novel. One monkey screams, Yes! Distract yourself with your blog instead of the novel. I am weighing all my options of what direction to go to next, whether that is in my writing or my career or diet-exercise plan. However, the swarm of thoughts and fears is hovering BEHIND me today.
Writing is my safe place. It makes me nervous, I beat myself up a lot - no one likes your writing, who do you think you are stuff, but all in all it is still my safe place.
Stepping out into blogsphere has pushed me to some certain limits that I am happy with... very happy with. While daily, I still think - is it worth it - who are you writing for - is it for others as you tell yourself or is it really for you and your ego. Do you have a following or are you just writing to the audience in your dreams?
The reward for all the writing is the changes I see in ME! I have stepped out of my comfort zone, asking people whose writing I admire, for help. And to my joy, and yes my ultimate surprise, most all have said YES!
Today's gratitude and shout out goes to Mrs. B over at Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom for mentioning my giveaway to launch Big Girl Bombshell. Next, I wish to thank June Ahern .for being such a great support and providing the books for the giveaway. She will be guest posting on Big Girl Bombshell soon! And to those of you who have also agreed to help - THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!
I am finding a community of like-minded women who keep me going toward pursuing what's in my heart!
Today, the monkies can buzz around and march to their hearts content. I am in the company of some powerful, like-minded women that push me, however so gently, to forge ahead!
It's that time of year, that in the past I referred to as the Dark Forest. The time of year when the rain and cold comes and my beautiful sunshine goes to on vacation to the other side of the world. But, this year, I am looking forward to the holiday season. It's just not as daunting this year. I am looking forward to family and friends, decorating my house, cooking up some wonderful new dishes in the kitchen.
This year, I am in a totally different mindset than in the past. I spent all those years pursuing my dreams and goals, instead of planning and taking small steps. I am slowly, methodically, discovering the true meaning of saving for a rainy day.
And speaking of rainy days, Check out the Rainy Day Giveaway to launch my new blog Big Girl Bombshell, My mom use to tell me, "Save for a rainy day", but saving money has not been my strong suit in the past. I'm working on that, as I am working on many things. THE GIVEAWAY is not one, but THREE autographed first edition books from one of my favorite authors, to help you enjoy a rainy day. Make sure to check it out!
I went to my weekly Weight Watchers meeting this morning and YES! another successful week. Attending these meetings, for me, has been a lesson much needed. It's not about the weight loss so much as a lesson in small steps. Steady goes it as they say. Breaking my goals down into tiny steps, daily habits, and getting SUPPORT is what keeps me moving forward. Combining that with my writing, with the NaNoWriMo challenge, my blogs, and my new facebook group for the Big Girl Bombshells, keeps me accountable to myself and the focus isn't on the weight -- that dark, rainy day, forest of the past.
So, come join me on the Yellow Brick Road journey and check out Big Girl Bombshell. Enter the giveaway!
Oh no! Hear that! OH WE OH! OH WE OH! The monkey soldiers are marching around the dark tower. It is time for me to go write some more words for my NaNoWriMo novel. Gotta go!
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It's that time again. Wishcasting Wednesday. My day to indulge myself in my wishes and dreams.
For today, I am posting my wishes on both my blogs. My other blog, that I has morphed recently is Big Girl Bombshell. Actually, I have all the supporters and well wishers from Wishcasting Wednesday to thank for its emergence. I think it would have sat in my thoughts for many more years to come, without being put out there for others to see. But, I am getting off topic. So here is the first wish.......
What I wish to experience Somewhere Over the Rainbow. For me, that means freedom to do what I truly want to do and to enjoy it without the daily worries. Primarily, that comes from money. I wish to experience the financial freedom to have the things I have always wished for. A nicely decorated home with new furniture, not all the mismatched used stuff no one else wants anymore. A closet full of fashionable clothes. The freedom to not have to worry about the budget when I see something that would make me or someone else smile. The freedom to not have to work at a job that takes away my time from what I love. To write, to cook, to entertain, to volunteer, to participate in my life, not just FIT IT IN.
On that note: I leave you with the melody to open your heart to what you want.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
