We're Not in OZ Anymore

Getting Real (sort of) about life

Wednesday Wishes with Jamie

Short, Simple and to the POINT

Oh my wonderful friend, the scarecrow.  He is teaching me so much!  I am at a point that it is time to release all my old patterns, particularly those that held me back.  What I need to learn.  I spent most of my life being the teacher, the smart one, the one who believed, like Dorothy, that there is magic.  Believing that if you come with me and I help you then my own agenda of being "fixed" would miraculously occur in the process.  But, what I did not see was that the more I tried to help others, the more I lost me.  It became all about them.  Their successes and their failures became my own. 
Part of admitting that we have a problem comes with surrender.  Yes, that is a little further down the Yellow Brick Road, but all the same I am here.  Being Dorothy, at this stage, is no longer working for me.  It is time to let go of the Kansas mentality and move on to bigger and better things.  It is time to look at each brick closely.  It is time to allow my friends, such as the Scarecrow, to show me my path and to encourage me to take on the dark forest whole - heartedly. 
The Scarecrow anthem is If I only had a Brain..............Well, I have hidden for years behind that brain statement.  I do have a brain and it's time to fill it with new knowledge and new actions.  No more resting on my laurels of how smart I am.  It's time to dance a little and time to learn!

What is FEAR?  I have often heard that FEAR is false evidence appearing real.  Think about the Cowardly Lion. He was afraid of his own tail.  As I grow older and continue on this journey, I see that a lot of my fears are not based on false evidence.  My fears were very real to me.  What I am seeing is that what often stifles my courage and motivation is the expectations I put on myself.  Perhaps, instead of false evidence it should be false expectations.  The expectation of being perfect.  Or the expectation of my definition of perfect? 

The realization and the wisdom that my life is perfect because of its flaws!  If things were truly perfect in the expectations I put on myself, would I really being living or just existing?  Some good food for thought to ponder.

Those flying monkeys could be, the support to fly me to surrender. Do I expect the flying monkeys to carry me away to the land of fear or just take me back to the tower  So, I will change that thought, that expectation.   Can wait to see where they take me~!

Jamie's Wish Prompt   Where Do You Wish to Make a Difference?  That is the simplest, yet most difficult question for me yet.  I want to make the difference in my own backyard! As I have traveled the journey on the Yellow Brick Road, way to many times, I am slowly getting it.  

As Dorothy stood on the platform with Glinda, she also stood their with the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion, proclaiming if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard.  Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! 

For years, I didn't quite understand that.  I stayed stuck in the magic of the Ruby Red Slippers that would help me to believe in myself.  Well, that was only a piece of the puzzle.   I spent so many years chasing that dream of believing in myself, yet still having behaviors and old patterns of looking for something outside myself to "cure" me.  I chased a dream and a belief, that if I could help other people, then somehow, miraculously I would change in the process.   

What I am learning now, is that I have to help me first, THEN I can help others. Taking care of everyone else's emotions first, leaves a hole, a void, that I keep searching to fill.   I fill my life up with friends like the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and it keeps me stuck in chasing that false hope of a "cure".  


The honest truth is there is no "cure".  No magic pill, or person, or diet that will fix it.  My Yellow Brick Road has a lot of potholes.  Instead of trying to continually fill those potholes, only keeps me focused on what caused the pothole.  I waste my time, energy, and money on putting a "patch" on the problem.  What if I started putting my energy into building a new road.  My addictive behavior has been to solve the problem instead of just saying YEP! It's there.  It will always be there! It is the road I struggled on for many years.  But, I don't have to struggle anymore.  I can focus on creating a new road.  One built on honesty and GOOD intentions.     


Instead of focusing on the HOLE, I think I will build a W into it, and focus on the WHOLE!
So, Where Do I want to make a Difference? Finding the W in my own backyard!  What about you?  What hole can you release to build a new road to WHOLE?

So, I watched the Season Premiere last night of Ruby.  LOVE it! It was a good reminder for me that I need to go back to seriously working the Twelve Steps to deal with my food and emotion combination.  Primary topic was DENIAL.   I like the acronym - Don't Even No I Am Lying!

That is our brains way of survival.  A strict survival mode.  When it is difficult to face the things we have seen or heard or lived, our brains just take over.  I think that is why I always turned to the Wizard of Oz theme.  It was easier to stay disassociated from my body and the Wizard of Oz, put distance in the reality of the circumstances.  

For my first step, is to admit is to admit, that I do have an addiction to food.  Whether that is the deprivation or the over indulgences, both fit into the addiction.  The black and white thinking.  The black and white thinking of the farm in the wizard of oz and the medicine man with the crystal ball.  

Yesterday, I hooked up with the Scarecrow, and I am starting my journey down the Yellow Brick Road, to find the knowledge and HONESTY to bring me out of the denial and make the changes I want.  

What about you?  Where are you on your journey?

Oh, the lovable scarecrow.  In search of a brain, but how wise he is.  Dancing merrily along life, but believing he was not good enough until he had a brain. Often times, I felt like that in my life, but as I grow older, I feel wisdom is much more important than book knowledge.  The Wizard gives the Scarecrow a diploma to show the world, he is intelligent.  

For many years, I went in search of that diploma.  It left me just short of my goal and a ton of student loans.  Yes, it has caused some stumbling blocks in some career searches, but it was coming into my own to realize I have smarts in many areas that they just can't teach in school. 

So, in honor of Valentine's Day, the scarecrow is my Valentine.  I have turned my will over and I taking inventory of what I have.  I am grateful for my creative brain.  I have LOTS of ideas.  I have intuitive insight into many things that come from ALL the things I have learned.  I have talents that come from that creativity. 

The scarecrow and I will spend part of the day watching the Series 3 premier of RUBY.  This season she starts a 12 step program to deal with her addiction to food.  Ruby started out over 700 lbs.  She is down into the 300's.  Ruby has no memories of her childhood since she was 13 and has nightmares of her childhood.  I am hoping to find some new information for my own journey.  

Come on Scarecrow, let's dance.  I am ready!

 I recently read this on a blog post about FOCUS



We don’t want to be happy: we’d prefer to fight for what we think should be fixed. We don’t want to surrender: we want to win. We don’t want to embrace our reality: we want to chase our ideas of how things should be, instead of accepting them as they are. Why? because we are convinced we know best how our lives should be. 

This has stuck with me all week long.  Maybe it's true that we prefer to fight instead of surrender.  We want to win and we are convinced we know what's best for us.  In the infamous words of Dr Phil   How's that working for you?

It's hasn't worked as often as I imagined it should.  If I want to move beyond the "survivor" mode, I think I need to give up the fight.  I need to stop fighting my past and embrace my life!

Step 2 and Step 3 go hand in hand for me.  
  1. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  2. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him
I had to learn to believe before I could turn my will over to my higher power.  That was a tough step for me.   I learned to just look at the stars and the moon to show me that there is something beyond our earthly existence.   I have to remind myself of these two steps constantly!  I get caught up in my life and my focus becomes the little things.  It's like focusing on each of the little Munchkins and missing the beauty of Munchkinland itself to focus on the flower on top of their heads.   

I am learning to give up the fight of my past and turn my life over so I can embrace it!
The next step is to head on to meet the Scarecrow.  The learning phase of the journey! 

Jamie's wish prompt today, Where Do You Wish to Travel? That's easy!  Beyond Oz of course. For those of you that have been following recently, this is my story of recovery from my turbulent childhood.  I wish to travel beyond Oz.  Living my life on the Yellow Brick Road has often times been like Ground Hog's Day.  

I pulled out a few journals recently and in many areas of my life, I am still exactly at the same point as I was 5 years ago.  Some areas, exactly as I was 20 years ago.  But on the positive side of things, there has been changes that are beyond years of measure.  

Traveling beyond Oz, is like finding that peace inside that is Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  Where troubles melt like lemon drops and I can FLY.  I can soar to new heights.  I can reach out and grab my potential without being stopped by those flying monkey fears that have kept me locked tightly in the bud of my existence. 

I wish to travel this spiritual journey with Openness.  Open arms, Open mind, and Open heart.  I wish to become the woman I have always longed for, not the little girl trapped in the Wicked Witch's tower.  

For me, that means I have to FEEL every step on the Yellow Brick Road before I can get to the poppy field and finally surrender.  Today is my twelve step birthday.  Honestly, I can't remember what year it is.  There have been so many yet it seems like today is the first day.  I have participated in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), Alanon, Codependency, and for a brief time OA.  

The Ground Hog Day feeling is that it is always a new beginning, especially when you are dealing with old behaviors, old demons, and your wants and dreams.  One step at a time, means exactly that.  Each day is a new day to live your life.  So yes, I wish to travel beyond OZ.  But sometimes the travel beyond Oz means to go back to Munchkinland and re-visit the journey from the new perspective.  To remind myself that I DO believe and the magic of the Ruby Red Slippers is ALWAYS inside and will keep me safe!

The house has landed in Munchkin land.  Dorothy with her faithful companion Toto, look around to see a glorious, beautiful land of bright colors, flower gardens and spacious blue sky.  Quite a difference from the black and white scenery of Home.  Suddenly, a gigantic pink bubble floats in and a beautiful woman appears.  You can hear the child-like giggles in the background and you know you are somewhere else.  

This is the first point of surrender.  Landing in Munchkin land can give you a glimpse of a whole new life.  One that can get you excited about your journey.  Our perspectives keep us tightly imprisoned into our old thinking until we open up to explore new worlds.  Out of the box thinking is about letting go of our control.  It is surrendering to being vulnerable and allowing us to believe in the good, not just the bad.  

Life is not always as we know it.  It is how we perceive it.  Perception is our current reality.  As with Dorothy, she felt her only hope of saving Toto was to runaway.  As is life, the storm was brewing, she decides to run, but nature had other intentions.  The tornado came spinning and landed her in an unknown place where she is forced to look at things differently.  Her first indication of that is when she meets Glinda. 
A beautiful witch.  "But witches are ugly!" she says while the proof of beauty is standing right before her. 

Having faith in something that we cannot begin to fathom (the beauty of a witch that we have been told all our life is ugly and mean)  Once we can open up to accept those new ideas, we open up to faith.  

Glinda represents my higher power.  That beauty that showed me and lead me on a journey to believe that all those ugly truths and stories I was lead to believe are not necessarily true.  There is something so much greater, so much more beautiful out there.  I don't have to understand it, I just have to believe and have faith in it.  I have to know in my heart it is true.

Learning to trust something puts us in a vulnerable state of being and that in and of itself, is one of the hardest lessons to stick with.  We do have something besides ourselves that we can put our trust in.  It just takes a shift in perspective.  ..

The journey starts with the steps and the spirit

For me, just like a lot of adults who grew up in addictive or alcoholic homes-- that had the natural tendency to be abusive just because of the disease -- grew up not knowing.  Not knowing love, not knowing who they were, not knowing their worth, and sometimes not knowing that anything was really wrong. Living in constant fear – fear of that unknown.  That alone has made it difficult for me to imagine anything for myself.  I had to stay based in facts and logic.  I had to have an answer for everything.  I needed to understand. I needed to be in control of the next move.  Constantly, prepared for the worst.  My mind and my thoughts were the only way to control my life.  Everything else was unmanageable.   But I had myself fooled.  I thought I had it all under control.   

I was taught to take care of everything, all the things that happened were my fault, and I had no rights.  No rights to my own opinions, no rights to talk, no rights, PERIOD – just do whatever it took to try to keep the peace.  I was in charge of protecting everyone else like my Mom and my brother.  The biggest was to keep the secrets.  I couldn’t tell anyone.  I learned to rely only on myself and take whatever was given to me.  I lived in a detached world – plotting, planning and preparing for all the worst things. Me and only me alone – and that is what got me into trouble, so to speak.  Thinking I had control over my life and I was the only one I could trust – I turned my back on any faith, belief or hope in anything and everything.  I had the attitude that life that just happens to me and against me because I was worthless so why bother. 

But eventually that started to change.  Taking that first step of truly admitting I was powerless over what I was doing and that I just could not manage it all alone anymore.    I needed help but who do you turn to when you don’t trust anyone and you feel all alone.  That is where group meetings came into play.  It showed me I wasn’t all alone.  There are many, many people from many walks of life that have their secrets too.   In Alanon, it seemed a little harder to detect.  I didn’t have to give up alcohol or drugs, I was the one to take care of all those people, help them – I was the good girl.   BOY – did I have to look hard at that one.  The drugs and alcohol were just there mask for the pain, mine was thinking I could fix it.  It was my job to make everyone else’s life easier – no matter what I felt or wanted.  Somehow knowing an unexplainable truth that I was no different than anyone else in pain, I just wore different masks.  I denied who I was – denied my spirit – because it had been so deeply and painfully torn apart for several years by the affects of alcohol – someone else’s mask.  But, everyone is at the same points of pain when they start searching for recovery or that spiritual path. 

In the words of Wendell Berry, “A world can not be discovered by a journey of miles…only by a spiritual journey…..by which we arrive at the ground at our feet and learn to be at home.” 

In light of the recent events in my life, it is time to come back to this blog and write.  While I thought my priority was my other blog Big Girl Bombshell, I have realized that this blog needs to be equally important. The difference between my two blogs is basically how I have lived my life.  The outwardly safe person who takes care of everyone and believes in all the positive affirmations, self-talk and that I can re-parent myself.  Self-help in all its glory.  Building a support system of like minded people that are struggling with weight loss and body image.  The other side of me, which is the Wizard of Oz scenarios,  is the inward little girl keeping the sacred secrets and only sharing bits and pieces that are deemed acceptable. Playing it like a movie seems to help with the distance. 

In looking back at all my wishes, I want to share my story.  That is going to take courage and not worrying about what others think.  Breaking the silence and the long held family legacy of not sharing the dirty laundry.  The Wizard of Oz is such a LARGE part of who I am.  It is my spirit.  To feed my soul and my spirit and stay true to my spiritual beliefs, I need to write on both blogs equally.  This journey is to integrate my body with my mind and spirit.  The triangle that makes us whole.  


So we start at the beginning.  I will be posting my journey through the 12 steps intertwined with the scenes and characters of the Wizard of Oz.  My journey has been through ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and Alanon.

Step One: Step One: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.   This step is easy, yet difficult.  It is easy to admit that some parts of my life have become unmanageable and even to admit I am powerless.  Pinpointing the actual addiction is a little more difficult.  That is why I turn to the Wizard of Oz to help me. 

I traveled through the steps, thinking my addiction was food and relationships.  I wore the label of co-dependent not so proudly.  I  started my process with ACA just under 25 years ago and Alanon about 5 or 6 years ago now.  I will actually have to look up the date because as I am typing this, I am remembering that my anniversary is this month.  

Recently, I am beginning to believe that my addiction may actually be my inward expression of anger. I am sure as I let go, more will be revealed.  I intend to pull out all my old journals and re-start my journey toward Oz.  That is the only way I can get beyond it.  The cast of characters play a major part in my recovery as trying to face it otherwise made it too overwhelming.  


So stay tuned, the story will evolve with each scene from the story and each and every brick on the Yellow Brick Road.

Hello Ladies!  Jamie's question was so compelling I had to pop back in to visit.
What Story Do You Wish to Live or Let Go Of?

Actually, I have been missing the Weekly Wishing quite a bit lately.  In my last post, that I wrote a month ago, I explained that priorities had me looking at where I want to put my energy.  That was over at my other blog.  But something has been happening to me and the Wicked Witch has turned on me.  She has been a false friend.  I have slowly, over the last couple of weeks, found the that the negativity of flying monkeys have taken back over.  There has been some extremely good things happen (my guy proposed) and some not so good things.  I stopped being so excited about learning to cook and exercising.  I took the weekend to go retro (retrospect) and realized what started my catapult into the dark forest.

The Wicked Witch sent me a dozen red roses for my birthday.  Oh yes! It blew me out of the water.  (My birthday was the same day my guy proposed) The emotional baggage of ALL the emotions has taken its toll.  As it often does.   That false presence and caring that the Wicked Witch has bestowed on me.  On the outside, it appears to be loving, caring, and hey world look how much I love her.  On the inside, the damage that was done under the guise of a loving Dad is unforgivable.  The saddest part is that I didn't even realize what was occurring until a week later.  The subconscious just took over.   That is the story of the Wicked Witch for me.

So what story do you wish to live or let go of is SO appropriate for me today.  I wish to live my story of Not in Oz anymore and let go of the old solemn, fear-filled, victim that haunts me from my childhood.   The Not in Oz story has swam around in my journal and in my life for way too long.  The old story keeps me tightly bound behind a false friend of protection.  I want to LIVE was my mantra for the year but I want to be excited about my life.  I no longer want to live in the drudgery of the dark forest.  

The wishes and not in oz give me the hope that I will get through this.  It will never go away. I learned that a long time ago.  But I have the choice to change it.   I will have to look at my priorities a little differently.  I NEED wishes and I NEED the support of all who follow Jamie's Wednesday wishes.   I looked at all of you as my Tin Man, Scarecrow, Cowardly Lions.  Some of you have been glimpses of my Glinda but most importantly, you shared the Ruby Red Slippers.    Thank you all for reading this long post.  I may not get the chance to comment on most of your blogs but know I do wish for you, what you wish for most!

Followers

Copyright 2009 - We're Not in OZ Anymore

Blogspot Theme designed by: Ray Creations, Ray Hosting.